(Includes original and reprinted quotes from comedic sages like Dave Barry.)
9. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
8. Never lick a steak knife.
7. Advice from a cardiologist: If it tastes good, spit it out.
6. The one word that explains why human beings have not achieved their full potential: meetings.
4. If you can’t find the milk in the refrigerator, check the cupboard.
3. Make a checklist for when you finally get a night out: Shoes, keys, wallet, phone, pants.
2. A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven’t eaten in 38 days. Replying with concern, the son asks, “what’s the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?” Mom replies, not that, “I didn’t want to have my mouth full when you called.”
1. Never put the air freshener next to your hair spray.